I'm attending a local community college and working in a student leadership position. I met a younger guy about nine months ago in a class I was a TA in last winter quarter. We got to know each other better as we both campaigned for different student leadership positions. Through summer training I think we really made a connection. He is great — but although everyone I asked has told me it's not true, his Facebook relationship status says "in a relationship."
I've asked him who he was dating and he has changed the subject. Twice.
I might be misreading his actions — but I am incredibly confident he's got it as bad for me as I do for him. Should I pursue this? I could let this fizzle, but I do care about him. A lot. I am older than him — but I probably have less experience dating than he does, and I don't really know what's going on. I know I want to be with him and he is really into me — but I'm worried he's playing games with me because he's got me up on a pedestal — since I was a teaching assistant, and he might think I think I'm "above" him. I don't.
Help me out here. Please.
(Not Much) Older Woman
Dear Much,
I doubt it's the TA thing, or your age. He has another situation happening, and he's afraid that, if he's forthright about that, you'll go on your way because he's unavailable — and he doesn't want you to do that, because he's into you.
…Probably. Whatever. It doesn't really matter why he's "playing games" — he's playing games, not answering direct questions, putting it out to others that he's not dating but then not dating you either. Is that drama you want to deal with, short- or long-term?
I'd say no, so as to pursuing it, I'd say yes — but very directly, and only to a point. Invite him out. Make it clear that it is a capital-D date. His reaction will tell you what to do next, and anything that is not "I'd love to, what time?" means you need to move on. "Eek, a girl did the asking" faces? Move on. "I, uh, well, let me just bargain this down to something less fraught like coffee"? Move on. "Sure! Except let's go to this weird roadhouse 15 miles out of town for no reason I'll admit to, and can you wear this wig?" Move on.
I believe you that he likes you, and that in and of itself is not shady. Maybe he's trying to ease himself out of this other situation; I don't know. But as the lady once said, if it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it has a girlfriend, and no matter what the truth is about his FB relationship status, if he's not willing to move his status with you forward, he's not, and that's that.