I have suddenly found myself in a situation that requires some objectivity from helpful outsiders. I live in a smallish town and, regardless of the city's size, the lesbian community is always small and too gossipy, so I can't take this to my usual suspects for advice.
My partner Jen and I have been together for five years (we're in our 30s, and moved to a new city three years ago) and just bought a house together. We've had our struggles, but it's been largely wonderful. We're different enough that we push each other to grow in ways we probably wouldn't otherwise, and we strive to communicate and understand each other better as we go. And until now, we have been honest with each other.
The situation I need some help with is this: Jen has been emotionally cheating with her new assistant coach Ann (who is married to her partner, Deb) for the past four months.
It's…messy. Jen has had some difficulty finding a good assistant coach, and we were acquainted with Ann and Deb through other friends, who had suggested that Ann might be interested in the job. Jen and Ann met to discuss the possibility in February, and it seemed to be a great match coaching-philosophy-wise. They started working on a plan for next season and going on some recruiting trips together, as well as working out and playing golf, so they were seeing each other quite a bit. From my view, it was becoming a great friendship/working relationship. We're still trying to develop some solid friendships in our area, so I was happy that Jen had found both a good assistant and a good friend. I probably should mention here that Deb was jealous of the new arrangement and suspicious from the beginning — to the point where, I just learned, Ann would lie to her about how much time she was spending with Jen. Not that this makes Jen better, but she never lied to me about the times she was with Ann.
Also, the four of us have been hanging out probably once a week and having a really great time. Felt like we were finally meeting good people and putting down some roots. Fast forward to last week. I don't know what made my intuition finally kick in, but I suddenly realized that I had been feeling disconnected from Jen. All of the time and texts and phone calls with Ann now seemed more intrusive than I thought. So I did something I've never done in my life: looked at Jen's text messages, seeking reassurance that they were just friendly. Instead I saw a very short text chain that wasn't sexual, but definitely intimate.
So I confronted Jen, admitted what I had done and asked if she was cheating. She immediately broke down and said nothing had "happened," but when I asked if she was cheating emotionally, she said yes. Apparently they bonded over the fact that while they were very much in love with Deb and me, they were feeling neglected; both Deb and I have had stressful job issues for about a year now. The attraction that sprang up was more from being around someone who was in a positive place and had more time and energy for fun and flirtation. Jen said they had acknowledged this attraction and that they didn't want to be together or leave their partners, but they enjoyed the attention and didn't really do anything to put a stop to it. They thought that it would just phase itself out. Jen agreed that she would not like me to be engaging in the same kind of behavior she had been and knew she was lying to me.
Jen has owned up to this being all kinds of wrong and wants us to work this out, through therapy if need be. She says she will do anything to regain my trust, including fire Ann and never talk to her again. Ann, meanwhile, is apparently just as remorseful for their behavior and wants to talk to me if and when I choose to do so.
And I am torn, because I have never been in this situation before. I am grown-up enough to know that we will be attracted to other people in our lives, but I simply never expected to be deceived in such a fashion – and for months! I am deeply hurt and feel like such the fool. How do I begin to rebuild my trust in her? And maybe this sounds naïve, but a part of me hopes we can get past this and keep Ann and Deb as friends, and Ann as her assistant, as it's not like they went looking for this to happen. Yet when it did, they chose to talk to each other instead of their partners and still hung out all the time instead of backing off…right now, I can't stomach the thought of Jen ever talking to Ann again.
Next week they are supposed to go on another recruiting trip, one that Jen can't cover by herself (she says if I don't want Ann to go, she will handle it herself). Adding to the muddiness is the fact that Ann has not told Deb a thing and has no plans to do so. I can't see us all just hanging out with three of us knowing the score and Deb left to her suspicions; I would then be a party to the lie.
I apologize for the length of this diatribe. I'm likely overthinking everything. If I just need a smack to the head and to be told that Ann needs to hit the road and Deb with her, let me know.
Bemused
Dear Muse,
I'll skip the smack to the head, but yes, Ann and Deb need to hit the road. You can't unknow things, you can't unfeel things, and once a friendship has progressed, for one or more of the friends, into more-than-friendly territory, it's not a friendship anymore — and everyone involved has to face that, and not pretend everything's the same as it was.
I can't speak to the logistics of having Ann fired, because that's a completely different minefield, and if Jen is her boss, and if bad feelings might lead Ann to couching it as a harassment issue…I just don't know the HR particulars. I do think you should speak honestly to Jen about what you want to happen. Certainly the two of them should not go on out-of-town trips together anymore, so you should drop the hammer on the recruiting jaunt pronto — but if your ideal scenario is that Jen and Ann don't work together, at all, you need to tell Jen that. "I don't want the two of you to see each other. In any capacity. Ever."
And you should do it in a therapist's office. The relationship's future is far from hopeless, based on what you've told me, but it's clear the two of you have stopped communicating on a deep level. A relationship counselor can help you talk to each other constructively about destructive feelings that brought you as a couple to this point, and not get bogged down in resentments. This is a great opportunity to course-correct for both of you; I think you should see a therapist on your own as well, to have a safe space to rant about this (and also for help in managing work stress), and Jen should too.
Your holding on to the idea of Ann and Deb as friends is understandable; it's a sort of nostalgic denial that I think is normal. But it shouldn't happen, because there's just too much potential for it to get awkward and ugly if anyone but Deb has one too many beers. The emotional cheating with Ann isn't so much about Ann herself, of course; it's a symptom of something else — but it needs treating. Again, I don't know what's doable as far as the workplace and Jen not having contact with Ann, but if she hasn't heard, in so many words, "I can't stomach the thought of [you] ever talking to Ann again," she needs to.
Find a therapist ASAP, and hang in there. You're going to hear some things you won't like. It's going to get yelly. This is the suckiest part; don't lose hope.