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I recently broke up with someone I am now pretty sure is depressed. My question is: do I reach out and tell him this and if so, what do I say?
Take me at my word that I have no agenda here. Reconciliation isn't an option. But following some post-breakup reflection and therapy of my own, I do think he was exhibiting signs of depression over the last few months (of 1+ years) we were together and I think I'm the only one in his life who would see them (he has no local family or close friends) even though I didn't recognize them as symptoms of depression in the moment.
He has indicated a willingness to be in touch but left that up to me; I generally have a firmly "no contact post-breakup" policy but I am tempted to reach out because this is really nagging at me and I do care about him. I know pointing it out doesn't mean he will do anything about it, and I know even if he does it will have no effect on me. Should I put these thoughts in my standard "not your boyfriend, not your problem anymore" file? Or is there value in reaching out, and if so, what does that look like?
Depressed Ex
Dear Ex,
Unless you think he's going to harm himself: not your boyfriend, not your problem anymore.
The thing is — and this might sound like an accusation, but take me at my word that it isn't; it's just something I've seen happen a bunch of times — we break up with people, and we talk it through with friends and counselors and rando new acquaintances at parties, and we scribble down harsh sweaty dreams we have about it at 2:30 in the morning, and with a bit of distance and emotional study, we have The Epiphany. Sometimes it's information we had all along that we've just reconfigured so it makes sense; other times it comes from one of those "yannooooo I didn't want to say anything because you seemed happy BUT NOW I have to tell you" convos with your siblings; whatever the source, now we understand this or have the right angle on that, and part of us feels like sharing that understanding with the ex would provide closure.
This is not to say that your concern about him is not genuine, or that he's not truly depressed. My point is, you have to look at what you want and expect to happen here, and why. I can't really tell you what reaching out "looks like"; that's for you to envision, and if what you really want is for him to agree with your theory, hey, I get that. We all want to know our insights make sense. But that's not his job anymore, you know what I'm saying? And what happens if he does agree that he's depressed? Because if one of you sighs, "Okay…good talk," I don't know if that's a good use of time for either of you.
Again, this isn't a judgment — but even if your motivation is 100% purely to improve his life, 1) this is no longer your department, and 2) it will not read that way to him, no matter how carefully it's phrased. Kindness is usually more important than honesty in relationships, even the ones that have ended; unless he's a danger to himself, the kinder thing here is to let him do what he's going to do without your input.
