I just wanted to check my thinking to see if I'm being a little bit crazy.
I'm okay with being a little bit crazy, but at least the reality check will stop me from being a little stupid, also.
So my lovely boyfriend of two years was married before, about 15 years ago. They were married for about 30 seconds after being together for two or three years. I know why the marriage ended — a combination of alcohol and apathy on his part. He has been in recovery for about 12 years now. Aside from making amends when he was in AA, he isn't in contact with her at all. When she left, she left everything behind — she didn't take photos, knickknacks, anything.
I have a lot of respect for her for leaving, because based on what he's told me, he really was a disaster. I feel a bit of guilt that I am now benefiting from respectable, grown-up, sober boyfriend, when she had to leave him to move on with her life. Which brings me to my point — boyfriend is a bit of a hoarder of paper and all sorts. He still has all the wedding pictures, cards, knickknacks, from his marriage to her. He wants to throw them away, and I…don't want him to.
It feels really disrespectful of their marriage, of an important part of his life, and for what they went through, and, I guess I'm projecting, what I imagine she went through.
What do you think?
Tomato Native
Dear Nat,
Well, I guess you're projecting too, but that's not a bad thing, per se. Figuring out why it's an issue for you and what you're bringing to it is useful and positive, I'd say.
So: why is it an issue for you that he's not respectful of a marriage that lasted no time at all and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place? My husband's first marriage and its demise share certain characteristics with your boyfriend's, and he has a similar "well, that…was unfortunate" attitude towards it, in that, if he had it to do again, he'd do it differently (or not at all), but he doesn't, so he's tried to learn from the person he was then. That's the thing: he isn't the same person now, really, and I hesitate to generalize, but I think for a guy in recovery, a relationship that ended because of or existed within his disease isn't something he needs keepsakes of.
It isn't important, anymore; he did (I assume) his fearless moral inventory, and he made his amends, and that doesn't mean he's forgotten that he acted like a piece of shit and left good years and good people in the bottle. It doesn't mean he's gotten complacent; it doesn't mean he's going to put you aside that way one day. It means the marriage he entered into, and apparently ruined, during his drinking days is not relevant to the sober person a dozen years down the line whose wallet is a museum of Clinton-era ATM receipts. Not to talk about it like he had an evil twin, or was possessed — it was still him. But part of recovery is learning how to accept responsibility for your past bullshit without dwelling in the self-loathing forever.
If it makes you anxious that he's done with that part of his life, you should talk with him about it. Explain that it feels weird to you for him to chuck all that stuff, and you don't know why, and could he talk it out with you for a little while. Listen; don't look for reasons to feel more weirded out. Hear what he's saying.
And…hear what his ex-wife said back in the day when she left every dish and fridge magnet with him. Sometimes there's stuff nobody wants because it's broken. That can give you a sad feeling; it'll pass. Focus on what's whole, and how he keeps you.